I haven’t been up to blogging in the past couple of days. I was gonna say I was super busy (and I was as usual) but also, even more than being busy, I wasn’t liking the way I was fitting in any of my clothes. But then I thought hey, it is what it is. I pride myself on being as transparent as possible here, and so I can honestly tell you that this lil extra weight is bugging the heck outta me! That’s truly why I haven’t posted. Ok, now that the air is clear, and I’ve been honest, I can move on. Today, I had such an epiphany. Ever had one of those days where it seems as if things are working against you rather than for you? Like, what is it, mess with cheapfabmom day? For starters, let’s just say, my job is really messing with me hard. Not just me, all of the employess. I don’t know if they are having a shake down, budget cut, survival of the fittest type of movement or what. But they were working my nerves today. I mean really.. I can’t go all Ham about it because it’s still my job that I am so blessed to have, but just know, your girl went a little bizerk on the 9 to 5 gig today. On top of that, I’ve experienced a little bit of hurt today. The worst kind of hurt is that of someone you love. It’s not an intimate relationship, lover or anything. It’s family. You know how it is when you’re hurt. You don’t understand why, what you’ve done, why they did it, or how you can fix it. I kinda wrecked my already fried brain today obsesssing in my head about the what, why’s, how. Until, I finally realized that sometimes their are issues even bigger than you can deal with in people and that someone else’s issue cannot occupy my state of mind. I’ve done good by this person. I have done nothing wrong. Truth! And so I have freedom in this. Sometimes you have to just allow people to release you, and you them. Praying and all, but I’m truly not the type to stay stuck, which means I’m so gone. I’m at that place now, but earlier, I was overly exhausted in my thinking. My job, this thing, and then another hit. Really? House out of order. That’s really all I can say about that. So, this thing comes up, then this other thing, now another thing, then thee thing of all things today. My vehicle broke down. It’s just been one thing after another with this vehicle. More money, more money, more money I have spent on this car. It went to the mechanic, because it was driving weird. Mechanic says, it’s the alternator. Then he takes something off, puts it back on and says it’s actually an electrical problem. Take it to an electrician. WHAT!!! Then, 40 mins later, my kid calls me and tells me, the car is dead. I call AAA to give it a hot shot, and the bum car won’t start. At this point I walked and I took a deep breath and began to praise God. Do you hear me, I was outside, in the rain, praising God. Because I now I understood why all these things were coming at me today. Ephiphany. The advasery was trying to break my stride, no actually, he was trying to break me. Like immediately, I knew that God has something so big and awesome in store for me, and the enemy was trying to block that. It made me praise harder. I am at the gate, and I am about to defeat the enemy. He already knows, once I open that gate, thats all she wrote. I thought, naw, I ain’t going down like that. The car is a small thing. In the grand scheme, all these things are small. I’m not going to stop praising, nor stop being ME for anyone. Even if I’m struggling, I wont stop fighting, I’m not going to turn my back on my heavenly father. I can’t stop, won’t stop. I am so proud of the person I am today. I don’t have to hide, or pretend to be something I’m not. I am human, I make mistakes, I cry, I struggle, I have my moments of distress and joy just as everyone else. But one thing I can say, is that I’m free. I’m not bound by the chaos of my mind because I have freedom in Jesus Christ. It was an awkward day at best, but I’m a survivor. And I can’t stop, won’t stop.
PS: I actually wrote this post yesterday, but exhaustion took over before I had time to post it last night, so I’m posting it today because it needs to be shared.
Peace and blessings
Here’s what I’m wearing:
Turquoise Top- Forever21
Cropped Glittered Jacket- thrifted
Nude pumps- Marshalls
Green Purse- Thrifted
Bracelets- H&M, Forever21