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Hello Dears.
Happy Monday. Time to grind, make the donuts, punch that clock, how ever you want to say it, we all have to get it done. Even the stay at home mom’s who I envy and then again I don’t. That gig is hard work day and night.
Speaking of the kids.. Excuse me while I transform, hear me out, I feel like Tina Turner- “oohhhhh, I got something on my mind, won’t somebody please, please tell me what’s wrong”..Moment over, back to Dee. Is it just me, or is anybody else afraid for their children the way I am afraid for mines? The world is getting so crazy, and although I’d love to, I can’t keep them wrapped in a bubble. I cringe for them all but am most frightened for five as she is the youngest. I can’t help but see. I look around and the chilen’ runnin’ round yonder with the clothes sagging down and the bloomers showing. Speaking enough atrocities and profanities to make your ears bleed. I’m like, “can they see me”? It’s just like I’m not there. If I ever hear of my kids behaving to the degree of some kids I see daily, they are getting delt a can of honey let me tell you something with the quickness. Um hm, you do the math. I cannot handle that blatant disrespect. Can somebody please tell me what’s wrong. And then, the drugs. It’s always something new, more potent, designer chemist crap. Now they taking about bath salts which I had never heard of. People turning into zombies and eating folk, and I just can’t. Just when you think you’ve heard the worst, here comes something to blow your mind. They say it was possibly the drugs, I say demon possessed. Moving right along, it’s just so much to think about, protect from, be fearful of and so forth. Well, this mess ain’t going to drive me up a wall. I know I’m not omnipresent, but I sure know who is. Mom’s we have to cast our cares upon the Lord. Maybe I’m a bit of a worry wart. But isnt everyone when it comes to their kids? At the same time, I know I can’t let it consume me. All I can do, is keep my babies, and my family in prayer and trust in the precious hand of God. For me, there is no other way.

And I am so praying that these chilen’ keep they’re pants up, and atleast they bloomers clean. I don’t want to see that mess. Chile, please…

Now that I’ve had my ranting Momsession, my plan was to post my OOTD. I was so sleepy, still tired, and I didn’t plan an outfit last night and to top it off, I was pressed for time. Hence, there is no picture. Haha. Well there can be, I will update my post later with outfit pics. How bout that!

Until later- Peace and Blessings
Dee

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I’ve decided, I’ll have to share this story in parts instead of one long post. It’s long, and I don’t want you to start yawning. Excuse the length, but I don’t want to spare any detail. It’s high time I share the happenings of Dee (like you care) lol..

Part of the problem is that I honestly don’t know where to start. It’s been so long. I’ve even neglected regular entries into my own personal journal and that is so unlike me. Formost, I am fine. Better than fine. I’m great. I’ve had a two month long personal inventory so to speak. My soul started stirring sometime back in Febuary when I started attending an 8 week long intensive on financial liberation at my church. Who doesn’t discuss or go through things financially. With today’s economy, please. It’s what we discuss. But yet, we are still spending. I know I amwas.

I’m your classic spender, far from a saver and, I didn’t need a class to tell me that. I did however need the class to make me face the fact that if I continued on “spending” the way I was that my children were going to be on the welfare line, literally. It’s so much deeper than I’m sure I can even describe, but during my attendance in the class, reading, studying and budgeting (I hate the word budget) something happened inside of me. God started dealing with me. I was challenged and stretched in ways I never could imagine, and in the end, I gained FREEDOM. My pastor really is a visionary. Several months ago he started preaching a series on faith and family finances. It was so intense, I saw myself in every sermon and I just knew he was talking directly to me! That series was the jump off for the class I attended titled, “I was broke, now I’m not”. Babyyy, let me tell you, it changed my life. The creator of the program, Joe Sangl is serious about debt and financial freedom. He has books, a web based program, lecture series, and a host of tools to get you started on the road to gaining control of your finances. You can look up the course online it’s called, “I was broke,now I’m not”.

The class didn’t cost me anything. Not a dime. Well, I paid $15 for the book, and $5 for the workbook. With what I gained, that was nothing. I started thinking about all those receipts sitting in that plastic container I keep, thinking about all the ways I had totally misused my money. A savings plan, forget about it. I heard a few say they have no problem saving. And I think that’s great. But for me.. Yeah, I have a savings account, one that I put money into and probably just take it out within the next few weeks. That’s not saving. But that’s how I’ve been rolling. I am not ashamed to talk about it, I don’t care who talks about it or what they think of me for discussing it. I’m trying to help somebody else get free. Savings and spending were interchangeable for me. I didn’t understand how I had gotten to this place, and I surely didn’t know I had a problem. You know it’s one of those things, you know about it, it’s there, it exist, but when it’s placed in your lap and it’s just you in the room and your forced to look at it, all of a sudden a light bulb goes off. Oh wow, is this what I’ve been doing? Ohhhh I’ve been messing up, disrespecting my money and my future. It took a while to get me to this point(debt) and it was going to take radical change to get me out. Admitting it was the first step. For the first time in my life, I started thinking about being free in my finances. I decided I wasn’t going to spend anymore for a while. No more shopping. No more useless spending. No dining out, only necessities. A financial fast. It killed me!!!!! Ok, here goes. I am a bit of a shopaholic and a spendaholic. There, I said it.
It was time for a change and day by day it became easier to stop spending, and more worth it. I was reading, studying, and saving. While the fasting part wasn’t a requirement, it taught me discipline. I learned things I never knew about me and money. Mainly how much I waste.
I gained so much from taking this class. The lessons are practical and can very effective if used properly. I never had a budget in my life, until now! I’ve justified my outrages spending by catching sales. As much as I spend, it just never dawned on me to save. I’ve been living in the moment.
At graduation, I humbly accepted my certificate of completion. I couldn’t believe how far I’d come. I couldn’t believe how much I’d accomplished. I cried and cried and cried tears of joy. Tears of freedom. The experience was one I’ll never forget.

(check back tomorrow for part 2 and links to some of the tools I used)

Peace and Blessings
Dee

I am furious. I have to delay my other post because this issue is rising in me and I need to vent. Now you tell me. When you send your baby to preschool, do you expect that they will be unmonitored to the point of picking an open container up off the playground and drinking from it? Go ahead, gag a moment as I surely did when I got the phone call this afternoon from five’s school. It was not just that it happened but the whole scenario from top to finish. Let me replay this conversation for you.

Teacher: Mom I was just calling to let you know that J is sitting in the office because she drank a juice.

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.

Teacher: she drank a juice and now she is sitting in the office and she wasn’t the only one, it was four other kids that drank the juice.

Me: I’m sorry but I’m not understanding what your telling me. Where did the “juice” come from.

Teacher: It was outside on the ground and I was cleaning up the playground and when I turned around the kids were drinking the juice.

Me: you are telling me that my child drank an open container of God knows what while you were suppose to be watching her on the playground?

Teacher: yes but I was cleaning up on the playground and she is fine and I told her that she can’t eat anything off the ground.

Me: Put my daughter on the phone NOW!!

I spoke to my child. She was crying a little thinking that she would get into trouble. I asked her what happened and she gave me more information than the stupid teacher that tried, unsuccessfully I might add to downplay the matter. Apparently it was a soda bottle, assumed to be lemonade. The kids found it, and they all took a sip. Ok, that was all I needed to know. Put the teacher back on.

Me: what were you doing while my child was drinking that filth?

Teacher: I was cleaning up but u know it was a lot of trash out there and it was juice in the bottle. I smelled it.
(this is when I faded to black)
Me: Are you kidding me lady. Really, it was “juice”? How do you know? Did you taste it? DID YOU TASTE IT? right, I know you didn’t so don’t tell me what was in the bottle. Do you understand the seriousness of your neglect here. Things do happen, accidents do occur, but the last time I checked, it’s suppose to be three teachers with the class at all times and you are telling me that while you “picked up trash” with your backed turned to a class full of five year olds that none of the other team caught these kids before the act occurred?
Nobody noticed the filth littering the playground before hand to possibly clean it before the kids went outside? No I’m sorry, actually I’m not sorry but this is unacceptable.

The teacher was nonchalant. It was almost like she was a robot, reading a script. Of course this intensified my anger. During the conversation, she never once apologized but seemed more to place the blame on the kids. I immediately emailed my pediatrician who called me back 20 minutes later. I was like ready to take the child in for a cocktail. The doctor told me to moniter her for changes such as fever, vomiting, and diarrhea.

I called the school back an hour later and spoke to the assistant director. The nonchalant nature was in the air around there. She was the same way, and so, I had to wild her out too. Her tone was condescending and that did it for me. I can’t even say word for word. Just know, this ain’t over.

I had to pray. I was so upset I had to pray to calm down to clear my head to think straight. I’m watching my girl and I’m trusting that God covered her and the other kids from any illness or aftermath of this. I explained that she should never, ever pick up things from the ground and she knows this. But the bottom line is she is just a baby. Kids have to be watched. It wasn’t her fault. I blame the staff. They dropped the ball. Again, I received no apologies from any staff. The way they handled it was tacky, unprofessional, and blasé. I just can’t. The school year is almost over, and I have to earn my paycheck so I will have to set up other plans for five. Things are gonna have to happen now because my child has to be removed from that preschool. I just can’t have her in an environment that I have doubts about. This ain’t no free school either, I pay tuition. I pay for an award winning preschool that dropped the ball today.

They would have to work really hard to redeem theirselves from this one. I’m already in the process of setting up my meetings. Im just, so blown.

Am I overreacting? How would this make you feel if this happened to one of your babies? What would you do?

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I REALLY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF… it’s been almost two month since my last blog post. How did this happen??? Oh no… My readers, my fam, my fellow bloggers, are you all still here? I can’t blame anyone if they’ve unsubscribed and completely jumped ship. I know it seems as if my blog is abandoned but, it’s not.. I’m back! I am. Well not with a full on blog post but just to apologize and let you know, I will be posting soon. I have so much to tell you guys about. You all know, I started a new job back in February. And I was taking a class at church and studying and the kids, just oh my goodness, I need to find a balance. I spoke with a sister friend of mine this morning about that very thing. This new job is a doozy. Busier than I’ve ever been I think. Very meticulous, very detailed oriented and absolutely no room for error. I love it that it challenges me. That’s one of the main reasons I haven’t been blogging because I am so busy with work, school, kids, home life. I NEED BALANCE. But I have so much to catch you all up on, and I will, just not tonight. Got a very early morning meeting and well you know, I need that paycheck, so I have to get some sleep. Just know, I love you all.. I still have so much to give. Please don’t give up on me, and by this weekend, no later than, you will be caught up on the happenings of Dee. Ok..

Peace and blessings
Dee

She said to me,

“you aren’t everything that you think you are. These white people don’t care anything about you and all you do”.

This declaration came from my supervisor after a meeting where the manager, medical director and director of operations raved about me and the ideas that I had presented to the table. It wasn’t the first time they came to me instead of her, it wasn’t the first time that I was asked for my opinion, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. That was the beginning of the end for me and Miss Supervisor. Almost everyday since then has been a challenge working with her. Sadly, she dislikes me because I’m articulate, likable, knowledgable, and I get the job done. She would be sweet as pie when the higher ups were within view, and when they weren’t she was a different person. A wolf in sheeps clothing if I’d ever seen one. I don’t know why but she is threatened by my expertise and it’s despicable. Instead of her utilizing me to the fullest which would in turn only be great for the company, she exhausted herself trying to stifle me. It really didn’t work, because those who should have turned to her, sought me out instead. I didn’t ask for it, they just came my way. My years in healthcare span over thirteen years and I certainly wasn’t just going through the motions, I have been busy equipping myself for a time such as this. I pride myself on patient centered patient care. I’m big on finding solutions, solving problems, it’s just what I do. I’m not doing anything unless I give it my all, and Miss Supervisor had her own shortcomings, issues with race, prejudice, and she attacked me as a result of her own selfish ambitions and insecurities. Most of us have a character defect or two that we aren’t very proud of, but do we bring that into the workplace? Miss Supervisor sure does. We’ve been going back and forth for two years, never seeing eye to eye. She’d come at me sideways, and I’d treat her the same way. On any given day, you can catch her in a heated brawl with another employee. She manipulates them by saying things like, “black women need to stick together”. All the while, she makes it virtually impossible to stick with anything she mandates. Despicable. About a year ago, I stopped reacting to her in that Ra-Ra sort of way, as I knew it was what she wanted. She would push your buttons and then suddenly turn into a victim when you reacted to her injustice. I have never, ever met a person like her in the workplace. That thing is a special breed. At long last, I realized, it wasn’t worth it for me and this woman would continue to make my work life a living hell. I prayed about it, and asked God to open new doors for me. He did just that, and next week, a new chapter for me will begin. I am so excited about my new job and even more excited about God’s perfect timing and how wide open he kicked this door for me. I remained faithful to that job for as long as I could, and although I’ll miss the relationships that were forged there, I will not miss the constant bickering, the manipulation, the abuse, and the unprofessionalism. I carry God wherever I go, even still the devil is busy lurking on every corner. I’m so glad that I had my armor protecting me always. I am like a flower, and my natural ability is to bloom. I stopped blooming. My time there is up. God moved me out after my assignment was complete. One thing I know, my mark was left, and they will never forget this lil firecracker with the great work ethics, toting a briefcase full of professionalism, motivation, and skills long enough to stretch from here to the nile river. They’ll never forget me!

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I’m sorry it took me a little while to post but I have been a little wrapped up. Tying loose ends and such. Busy preparing myself mentally for my new job. Anyway, I’m back! Lol..
FYI: these braids are making their last appearance, tonight it’s going down. I’ve had enough. They are itching like crazy.I will show you my growth and my new hairstyle tomorrow. The natural hair journey continues. I love you guys and thank you for your continued support. To the ones that emailed me to check and see what’s up with the post, I appreciate ya!

I’m wearing:
Red/brown sweater- thrifted(not shown)
Belted Peacoat- gift
Gray slacks- Burlington
Brown pumps- Target
Briefcase- thrifted (what a steal $6.99)
Earrings- Rashidagurl

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Peace and Blessings
Dee

Say what?
Sometimes, you have to do a double take at some of the things you hear. You might have to lean back, with a mean side eye as you mouth the words “say what?
I rode the train for work today and a lady was riding with two small children. The youngest looked like he was about one years old. He cried the whole way. After a while, the mom yells at him, “man , shut up I don’t have no candy man, y’all get on my F**** nerves crying all the time, shut up”.
Say what?
I cringed on the inside.
That poor baby immediately began to cry a river of tears, but this time it was different, these cries came deep from within, a place of hurt. She hurt that little one with her screaming, ranting, and raving. I wanted so badly to snatch him up in my bosom and soothe him and tell him that everything would be alright. I watched and his image lingered in my mind long after the bell sounded for his cries to exit the train. The mom didn’t have any shame. None at all. If she screamed like that on a public train, it’s no telling what she gave those kids at home. It made me wonder who was she, where’d she come from and how was she raised. Was she hurting? Abused? A drug addict? Overwhelmed? Am I judging her? Yes, I totally am. By nature, this is what most of us do. I don’t know her story, but the circumstances prompted me to break out a pen, my notebook, and here is what I came up with.
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Don’t look at me with disgust in your eyes. If you don’t know my name, then you don’t know my shame.

She gave birth to me, but she was not present. She disappeared from my life before I could ever call her Ma-Ma.
She left me to cradle in my own arms. Singing lullabies to myself at night, and eating dry cereal in the morning.
Growing.
From pilar to post.
In her sights and out again. She gave me up and came back again. This time wearing a shinny ring and holding hands with a new daddy. She said, “from now on baby, life is good”.
He bounced me on his knee and tickled my fancy with treats.
He tried to ignite me with passions a young girl should never be made to understand.
Closing my eyes tight.
Ugly, terror, horrifying, imagery of golden lilies and death caskets.
I want to die.
Eyes tightly shut, but try as I might, death will not come.

I tell Ma-Ma to remove that shinny ring from her finger because her new found daddy is a new found disaster.
In one swoop.
She packs my life, my dry cereal and sends me away never to return.
A new place, hardly a home.
Now I’m fighting, stealing, screwing, and strutting.
I light my own flame, and I am high.
I powder my own nose, and I can breathe.
I am sick by morning, and thirsting for more powder and flame by night.
No period
No monthly
No 28 days til the next one, but 9 months later a new life is born.
He sings lullabies to himself while eating dry cereal.
I’m here, but I’m not present.

The cycle continues.
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Yup, I broke out the pen and pad and started writing my Dears. That’s how the situation made me feel. Sometimes, without thinking, we judge people (myself included) without knowing the circumstance nor thinking of why the other person has the wrong behaviors. By nature, I’m an advocate for those who otherwise may not have a voice. My heart leaped for the kids, but after thinking, and writing, I felt something for the mom too. I’m not preaching, just reminding that sometimes we have to think outside what looks right, to get inside of what is right. Mom had some issues and it came from somewhere. I’m praying for her and those innocent helpless babies today.

Peace and blessings
Dee

Hello Dears…
I haven’t been up to blogging in the past couple of days. I was gonna say I was super busy (and I was as usual) but also, even more than being busy, I wasn’t liking the way I was fitting in any of my clothes. But then I thought hey, it is what it is. I pride myself on being as transparent as possible here, and so I can honestly tell you that this lil extra weight is bugging the heck outta me! That’s truly why I haven’t posted. Ok, now that the air is clear, and I’ve been honest, I can move on. Today, I had such an epiphany. Ever had one of those days where it seems as if things are working against you rather than for you? Like, what is it, mess with cheapfabmom day? For starters, let’s just say, my job is really messing with me hard. Not just me, all of the employess. I don’t know if they are having a shake down, budget cut, survival of the fittest type of movement or what. But they were working my nerves today. I mean really.. I can’t go all Ham about it because it’s still my job that I am so blessed to have, but just know, your girl went a little bizerk on the 9 to 5 gig today. On top of that, I’ve experienced a little bit of hurt today. The worst kind of hurt is that of someone you love. It’s not an intimate relationship, lover or anything. It’s family. You know how it is when you’re hurt. You don’t understand why, what you’ve done, why they did it, or how you can fix it. I kinda wrecked my already fried brain today obsesssing in my head about the what, why’s, how. Until, I finally realized that sometimes their are issues even bigger than you can deal with in people and that someone else’s issue cannot occupy my state of mind. I’ve done good by this person. I have done nothing wrong. Truth! And so I have freedom in this. Sometimes you have to just allow people to release you, and you them. Praying and all, but I’m truly not the type to stay stuck, which means I’m so gone. I’m at that place now, but earlier, I was overly exhausted in my thinking. My job, this thing, and then another hit. Really? House out of order. That’s really all I can say about that. So, this thing comes up, then this other thing, now another thing, then thee thing of all things today. My vehicle broke down. It’s just been one thing after another with this vehicle. More money, more money, more money I have spent on this car. It went to the mechanic, because it was driving weird. Mechanic says, it’s the alternator. Then he takes something off, puts it back on and says it’s actually an electrical problem. Take it to an electrician. WHAT!!! Then, 40 mins later, my kid calls me and tells me, the car is dead. I call AAA to give it a hot shot, and the bum car won’t start. At this point I walked and I took a deep breath and began to praise God. Do you hear me, I was outside, in the rain, praising God. Because I now I understood why all these things were coming at me today. Ephiphany. The advasery was trying to break my stride, no actually, he was trying to break me. Like immediately, I knew that God has something so big and awesome in store for me, and the enemy was trying to block that. It made me praise harder. I am at the gate, and I am about to defeat the enemy. He already knows, once I open that gate, thats all she wrote. I thought, naw, I ain’t going down like that. The car is a small thing. In the grand scheme, all these things are small. I’m not going to stop praising, nor stop being ME for anyone. Even if I’m struggling, I wont stop fighting, I’m not going to turn my back on my heavenly father. I can’t stop, won’t stop. I am so proud of the person I am today. I don’t have to hide, or pretend to be something I’m not. I am human, I make mistakes, I cry, I struggle, I have my moments of distress and joy just as everyone else. But one thing I can say, is that I’m free. I’m not bound by the chaos of my mind because I have freedom in Jesus Christ. It was an awkward day at best, but I’m a survivor. And I can’t stop, won’t stop.

PS: I actually wrote this post yesterday, but exhaustion took over before I had time to post it last night, so I’m posting it today because it needs to be shared.

Peace and blessings

Here’s what I’m wearing:
Turquoise Top- Forever21
Cropped Glittered Jacket- thrifted
Slacks- Burlington
Nude pumps- Marshalls
Green Purse- Thrifted
Bracelets- H&M, Forever21
Necklace- Lori’s
Sunnies- daughter

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